i've had an entire bottle of wine all to myself.
i weigh 112 1bs.
that means i am drunk as a skunk.

thank god for spell check.

i've been miserable since tuesday,when m. called.
i miss him terribly.

went to crystals tonight had pizza and wine.

we talked for a long time.

i'm decidedly more heartfelt and eloquent when drinking.
my reservations fly away and i am articulate,candid.



i'm heartsick and scared.

i move away at the end of the month.


i want a man to hold me.

i miss it so much.


i don't want to wake up tomorrow.

hello.


i had a good stay in oregon. it was wonderful to see my family, albeit brief.

it was a little strange having all of my brother's partner's family there too. We'd never met, and there certainly were a lot of them. suzan made entirely too much food and there were copious leftovers despite everyone stuffing their bellies to maximum capacity (especially me).

i think i successfully freaked out the two nieces (13, and 16 respectively) who were your standard mall obsessed,technology awed,boy crazy, chirpy teenage girls.

as they opened their american eagle hoodies and ipod accessories, i unwrapped a large box from my mother containing an elk antler,deer antler, and several spinal pieces that i think were deer,though could be cow. I was quite pleased with this (all died naturally and were found on the property of my mother's friend's land in new mexico) and sat stroking the antlers like a baby kitten.
The girls seemed pretty much baffled.
then i got a book of native american ceremonies and prayers, plus some salty clay toothpaste. this did not help their confusion.


my last day there, it was just rob,suz and i.
we drove to the coast where the ocean was just so vicious and so alive. i was taken aback by its beauty and power, i've never experienced such crashing,huge waves. the sun came out intermittently and painted it all yellow and grey. we had lunch at the rogue brewery,which was neat.

also, while my mom was there, we took a lovely drive listening to opera through the country. passing orchards and old farmland shrouded in the ever present winter mists of the pacific northwest.

i tried doggedly to persuade my family to drive to some incredible hot springs in majestic old growth forest, but that was not something they seemed particularly keen on. it sort of breaks my heart to be so close to so many amazing hikes,hot springs and forest, but not be able to go and experience them. my next trip out to portland i'm going to have to make them my top priority.

the plane ride home was enjoyably, passing over snowy peaks,canyons, and seeing the sun set. my flights were smooth and on time, unlike the horrible flight out.


its been sort of a whirlwind since i got back.
i've been out to eat a lot, had some intense talks, felt like i wanted to die for a day, and then of course new year's.

on new year's eve i went out for a delicious meal at one of my favorite restaurants ,salsa's with a large group of people. sometimes it is so satisfying and stimulating to eat a meal with many people. there was abundant laughing and quite a few mix drinks (not me though).

we then went to b's house (emily's boyfriend) and drank quite a bit, everyone in a circle stating their intentions and resolutions for the coming year and toasting.
then we went to a big show, with african/pop music. i had been drinking too fast and suddenly felt like i was going to pass out just before the countdown. we were right in front of the stage and it was impossible to get out,so michael held me up. i didn't pass out luckily.

what i did do was dance like a slut and make out with michael and then emily, and then a girl that i'd just met. i'm feeling rather sheepish about this now, as i find it disgusting when people "booty dance" or whatever you want to call it, and i've never done it before. he and i were all over each other. i just hope no one else noticed/
oh well, i had fun, and i don't think that has ever happened on a new year's eve before.

didn't sleep much or well, and then had brunch with people at a house the next day, and went to a park. that night i took a small nap and awoke groggy and feeling drugged, then i had to work all night.

yesterday i took a long walk around the cemetery and sat on a bench ruminating on the state of things and future possibilities. went looking for a book that was sold out, chinese buffet with grant, and then i took a long hot, healing bath for over an hour, then worked all night.

today em gave me a full body massage because she needed to practice for a full time position in a spa that she is applying for. later, michael and i drove to hot springs and soaked while the sun was going down. he took me oyt for indian food and then we watched an 80's video about yosemite national park.

now i'm at work wasting time.


tomorrow i need to pay bills and hopefully go dancing.


i've been thinking about giving up refined sugar (but it might kill me!no cookies!)
and also becoming a vegetarian again.

also, i'd like to attempt to make a bigger space in my life for fun, and actively going out,etc.

and be more honest with myself

seek mental stimulation

and as cliche as it may be...i'd like to start working out (but somehow i don't expect this to happen)
because
A: it helps depression and winter is getting to me
B: i think i'm getting a bit softer and pillowy. probably no one would notice but me.
C: i'm too inactive...call me sloth


and shop less


the end

THIS JOURNAL IS FRIENDS ONLY.





















most of the public writing is very old.
e mail me if you would like to be added.

also, at eleven last night we got very hungry for dessert. and so walked a mile to old europe and had key lime pie, carrot cake,and rugala.

i am in portland oregon.our plane got in about two hours ago.
the past week has been very stressful. i had painted them a deep red,and my landlord needed me to repaint them before i moved. it took three coats of white. i also packed up everything i owned. and went and looked at a house with a different girl. it is in a beautiful historic neighborhood. it is also pink. has a big front porch,wood floors,big kitchen,living and dining rooms. the woman renting it lives in florida and i've been trying to coordinate getting everything together and sending applications, and being just plain aggressive about pursuing it. spent 17 dollars to get them to her overnight. i should find out if we will get it in a few days. i REALLYhope that we do.
i have to move everything out and clean the apartment really well the day after i get back in town.


arg
also,i've been having pretty intense relationship problems.these are stemming from me being extremely attracted to someone else.
who is probably too old for me, and is leaving town for the next two months.i have no idea how they feel about me either.i think there was some mutual attraction, but it seems to have dissipated now that he sees i have a boy, and he seems to have met someone else in the past week that i am guessing they like. but it is kind of agonizing. i don't even really know him at all, but i just feel really comfortable around him which is so rare for me with guys.
sorry this is vague.

at the airport my brother came to greet us. he didnt look that happy, didn't really want to hug me,and told me that my b.o. was too strong and i needed to take a shower. twice.
i almost started to cry.
you don't do that to your family. if he came to visit us i would be kind and happy to see him. it really hurt my feelings.

also i cut my hair for the first time in six years.
two inches shorter, and a somewhat minimized amount of split ends.
i wish it would just grow another 6 inches.
and be the length that i want it to be.

i've started making a sketchbook/journal out of a book that was my stepfathers.
it is square and black, a book of prints by hiroshige.

and i have another small book for daily writing. it was made from mullberry bark.


i finished reading villa incognito by t.r. and now am trying to decide what my next read should be.
either the decameron by giovanni boccaccio, or middlesex, by jeffery eugenides.
it may be the latter. i'm not sure how well i can handle long tedious black death 1348 blah blah blah at the moment.but i will read it eventually.

my biological father told my eldest brother that since he could not come out to visit during a certain week (when a scottish festival is going on) then there was no point in coming at all.(except he is your son asshole, and you haven't seen him in years)
how can he be so cruel?
it is hard to think of my mother loving him.

after 14 days, i am finally starting to yearn for my boy. i will see him in two days though.

june bugs are eating our grapevines.
the cows are very moody, puffing air through their noses and running together skittishly in the pasture.
we heard cyotes up there a few nights ago.

the other day we drove up on the parkway. it was one of those days where the clouds envelop the mountains and it seems otherworldly. it always feels like it is the only time i am really alive.

i've decided to finish one of my great grandmothers quilts for my aunt, as a penance for being so rude to her when we visited. later i found out i had made her cry.
but the self righteous part of me feels like she ought to be doing her own private penance for being so intolerable.
if i had a sister, i like to think i would be close with her. not like she and my mother.
i've always wanted a sister.
my brothers and i have such a large gap in our ages that bonding has been somewhat difficult.

some of my girl friends had been talking about having a clothing swap again.
and i said that i would host it(i.e. let chaos into my home) because everyone else seemed reluctant to.
and then i said i would be out of town this weekend.
i assumed they would wait for me.

nope.
it is going on tonight,without me.
it is a dessert potluck w/ a clothing and general trade/swap after.
my boyfriend is going.
i told him to fetch me something pretty.

"what do you want?"
"don't get me some dumb spaghetti strap hippy dress."
"what is that?"
"you know, moons and stars made in india paisley with elephants and what not.the things they sell downtown."
"uhh..."
"any girl would know what that meant....well, some girls would. you know what i wear."
"um, actually the things you like are kind of all over the place."
"yeah i guess. get me a nice slinky little shirt. just. something pretty."

he says sometimes he thinks i want him to be a girl.
some days, this is true.

this was a stupid entry.

also today i went out and picked flowers for two hours.


on the way i saw a strange little thing in the street.
upon further examination it proved to be a baby bird, all big feet, and tiny wings.
it had apparently braved its nest only to be sorely defeated in its attempt at flight.
i was worried it would be easily spotted by one of the neighborhood cats or worse yet meet its fate under the rubbery pressure of a tire.
so i chased it.
i had to hop after it as it slowly tried to escape me. he was so frightened he pooped a bit. and then suddenly he worked up a bit of nerve when i was trying to urge him up the curb. he rounded on me and chased me perhaps a foot back with his tiny beak running at me.

but then i terrorized the poor thing, all the time using the patronizing googly voice generally reserved for human babies, and then admonished him to stay quite out of the road.

when i cam back it was gone.
i presume it was eaten by a cat, or suddenly succeeded in flight.

everything i try to say now is false.
that i am in love with you is just as false as the idea that i am not./
how can you be such an enormous part of who i am, when i feel i hardly know you.
sometimes i have to remind myself that you are in my life, even if i've seen you the day before.

it feels very.the best way i can describe it is something close to air.
like i just blow around from person to person, and none of the relaevence is absorbed.
it's all so light.
it doesn't mean anything to me.

i know that should scare me, but even that feeling is muted.

how did this happen?


the other day, i forget when, i learned that ambivalent did not mean quite what i thought it did.
indifferent.
although that interpretation is commonly used(or maybe i am a dummy dunce), its true definition is something along the lines of ...not informed of, uncertain,indecisive .(or so i was told)

so maybe i am ambivalent about my life right now.

there are so many types of love. that i often hate definitions and boundaries.
don't keep me from loving you just as i do. do not undermine it, or try to give it a name. please.
it cheapens the experience.

its all so complicated because of that, i often want to give up.

i wish we did not have to omit thoughts that we know are not allowed, acceptable.
how would it be if i were not afraid to tell everyone how i feel about them, in particular.

i wish everyone could just know. too much of late, i find myself wishing we didn't need words at all.



(how comfortable we were.like the sound of someone familiar and dear humming. it was so very right. and too ephemeral)

i am pretending to be a student so that i can do a life drawing session tonight at the university. i'm quite nervous they will ask me to leave. plus i only have 4 sheets of paper, and no clips to hold it to my (abnormal, horrible) drawing board. i am using bobby pins. plus i'm a bit rusty.
and no one has shown up yet.
and i feel like i'm going to vomit from my unexplained nerves.
perhaps it was a bad idea. oh well.

today i spent 4 hours laying out on the grass in the sun.
do you envy me terribly..you ought to.

also, i got to meet glen and chaz from lj, and then i did not give them a proper goodbye(and the hello was a bit shoddy too)
so, i do so now.
i'm very pleased that i got to meet the both of you. hope you enjoyed asheville, and the fun depot!


ugh. i think i might throw up. i feel more than a bit self concious.

i've come home from the beach.
the first day was perfect. i played with my love's 11 year old sister for most of the day. she convinced me to do handstands and cartwheels that i haven't done since my back surgery 3 and a half years ago. we gathered seashells and danced around ,chased seagulls.
he and i drank beer on the porch and then crawled in bed as it was getting cloudy. we slept hard,dreamless sleep as it rained. i ate shrimp, even though i don't eat meat usually, and it was good. the rest of the weekend was less pleasant, but still good/ok.
i'm hiding iin the computer lab while at claires opening. her show looks beautiful.i just get nervous in those sort of situations though.
i suppose thats all for now.

i read that children laugh an average of 146 times a day, while adults average only 4.
i wonder if it is true.

also.
i saw
the triplets of belleville
and
the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
both were good.

i am going to the seashore next weekend.
it has been six years (unless you count the oregon-northern californian coast as "a day at the beach" and i don't)
straw hats,soft clothes, suncreen,eating frozen grapes,a private room with my love,and his family there also.
i'm going to search for shells, wriggle my toes ,wake up so i can see the sunrise ,drinking hot tea and kissing.my hair is going to become a curly, frizzy mess, and i'm going to consume slushies.
then i will get back and help clairey hang her thesis show in the gallery.

we might be doing another women's sweat tomorrow,if we can get enough wood before then to keep the fire hot for that long.

once again i am at the school pretending to be a student,so i may use the computer.

i'm making a dress from another dress, one for a rather shapely large woman, so it has multitudes of nice fabric to offer.
the other day i was lonesome,and almost began to sew a little woolen cat with embroidered whiskers to keep me company. but then i got distracted.i've done most of my mending.

its warm and daffodils are everywhere,i am poor.
i shaved my legs for the second time in six years yesterday. they feel like baby seals rubbing against each other.
i like listening to hip hop and re arranging the furniture in my apartment.
heather is moving to town in may,and we might live together.i think it will be good. i am possibly tired of living alone for the present. we'll find someplace bright and cheery and eat kale and make pies.maybe she will even bring us a kitten,that we might spoil and play with.

tomorrow emily and calire and i might have fun all girl day.

i was reading my journal from last year. i was writing about how much i missed stone carving "it is good for me to break rocks."
and then i thought back to a few weeks ago, to our sweat lodge.
-thought about how the rocks had been used several times, and i could crush them in my palms. as if we had extracted all of the strength they had to give and ingested it, cradling it in our wombs and are crouching down low now, to give birth to lives' with confidence and support.

i hate that words with such heartfelt meaning behind them, prophetic words, grateful, thankful, sincere words often sound trite, scripted. as if there were a handbook of cheesy harmonious sayings,that bred all of the conversations we participate in.

last night i dreamt of living in the congo, against my will. there was a black widow, and i killed half of it's body. the other half swelled and bled like a cut out tongue. in the dream i vomited because of it. strange colored masses, wet and thick, and it felt like i was cleaning out my life as i did so.
i then made an effigy and set it on fire, atop a sheet of tin in the jungle. i had a young boy in the dream, who i knew to be my dearest friend.

i awoke happily in the arms i love best to wake in, and smiled.
he talks in his sleep. sometimes i wake up to hear him murmuring "NO. no. " and believe he's talking to me.

i'm going to help my mother affix several shutters to the exterior of her home. oh. joy. except not.

there are flowers blooming.
i steal camellias and daffodils. put up another lace curtain in my bedroom, colored bottles in the window. moved furniture around. i love old cotton and satin that is soft with dry rot. satin blanket
disintegrating and leaving only ancient wool batting.
i wish my mother would give me her quilting hoop. i would actually use it. she doesn't have the patience necessary for such things.
i've a small crush on a frail slender boy with soft looking brown hair and glasses. i've never talked to him. i simply saw him from far off and then the next day when i went out to breakfast, he was working at the coffee house. i want to steal him away to some ill lit utility closet and touch his small face.perverse, i know.

i'm reading three books right now. when i finish them, i will have read 46 non school books this year.

i'm going to go piddle away my time on various little spots on the internet.
spell check has informed me that "dreamt" is not a word. maybe it is dreamnt? maybe i have fabricated an entire memory of hearing it said. dreamed just doesn't have the same visual charisma.

i got drunk for the FIRST time ever last night!

it was not entirely accidental.
i know this sounds very silly, and rest assured i do feel like i am 14, making a dumb journal entry about getting drunk.

it's slightly funny because my love of five years actually brews, so i am around alcohol all of the time. and drink it semi-frequently , though usually only a glass of wine, or a beer at a time.i've been a little tipsy before . and back when i was into "partying" which was about 6 years ago, i did drink, but it was always when i was under the influence of much more powerful substances, and i have never just been plain old drunk before.

i must say, it is not something i am planning to engage in very often. it's stupid. being drunk just makes me want to make out with EVERYONE(male and female, age is mostly not an issue) , and be giggly,with a bit of impaired motor skills. it was fun enough, i suppose. we were at heathers boyfriends house warming party, and i only knew a handful out of many people. i actually started washing dishes as a direct effect of being overwhelmed by shyness and the need to have a task..a reason to be there./ and then i drank mead and beer and plum wine and no longer had to do dishes because i was half asleep in the lap of a boy i hardly know. oh, heavens.

so this is the last of silly journal entries about intoxication via alcohol, i promise. i just felt the need to mark this very stupid occasion in some way.

i was going to go out dancing tonight, but my mother came into town and stopped by my apartment. now i've let her whisk me away to her house where there is heat,rented movies, internet, food, and company. none of which i have at my own residence.and i need to do laundry for free.and take a shower thats actually hot, with water pressure. (my expensive little apartment unfortunately cannot boast either of these amenities)



i got to play with baby goats yesterday!
they were silky and small. nibbled our fingers, suckled our necks, tried to climb us if we were sitting down, and were in all ways possible the cutest things ever to roam the planet.

today i purchased a beautiful raw silk dress from the 1950's. it cost too much, but it is the most flattering garment i've ever worn.
i also picked up another 50's dress from a thrift store for $5, and i think i can sell it and make at least a 20 dollar profit. i'l probably get rid of some of my pieces from the 30's too.

my paid account expired.

blah blah blah.

i'm going to a party tonight.
i hate parties. but i am forcing myself to not live exactly like a hermit, and to stray beyond my normal bounds a bit.
last night was dancing in a polka dotted dress with flirty boys. and waltzing with my love.
i feel frumpy today.

we went to a landfill today,to get rid of many peoples cast offs that somehow got left in the back of l.'s house. old mildewed futon mattresses and pieces of metal, broken furniture. that no one would own up to, and so he and i took it to that surreal place.
i had never been to one before. pieces of peoples life jutting out crudely from the ground half concealed. tanned men with strong arms driving in their trucks , dispelling their waste and then roaring off through the dust. birds circling overhead and foul putrid odors coating everyone. big monsters of machines moving, packing things always down and in. gouging the earth with big spikes.

we should go now because there is a potluck before the party. we are lazy and are only taking mead to share.

we went on an 11 mile hike up to black rock. climbed the last rock face, up to the top where it towers above all the mountains in a circle.a quick theatrical bit of sex under a blue sky with much cold wind biting our flesh.
two dogs followed us for the entire hike, shoving their eager bodies under our hands to be petted and coddled as the un-chosen animal accompaniments to our long, excruciatingly steep venture.
you looked at old photos with me. and became so nostalgic."how carefree and joyful my eyes look." you say of yourself. painting our past into only a fragment of what it was. our relationship was unhealthy then. you felt stifled by this town, i was just barely a girl, at 15. but tonight, though i tried to re educate you on it, you could only see the shiny parts of it. at least you remember them. sometimes i think you forget.

the other day you planted things in the ground.i watered their freshly sprouted plant bodies. we covered the bamboo arch with plastic to keep the frost out, and i braided your little sisters hair on the side of the street. driving through the rain back to our hometown.

i am at my mothers house. the electricity was out because of a bad wind storm. we lit candles, ate eggs, and sat in silence when not engaged in halting conversation.


emily and i went out for bad chinese food and saw big fish again the other night at the theatre.

my mouth has a sour taste in it. probably from dark olives.
i'm not happy.
what should i do next year. in the pursuit of happiness?
i need to start applying to schools. because i am obviously wasting my time off.
i cannot be peter pan. but i am quite good at not being in school, not being employed, and spending money for my education on rent for a nice apartment.
i pace its floors, cook simple meals, read books, hold you tight in the dark hours before you go on with your life, and fret.
its fucking ridiculous. this is no way to live. it is eating me. i feel like a spoiled fucking shit.

i'm tired and feeling hopeless and my feet are aching from our lovely hike.

i think i forgot to mention that a few months ago my mother quit her job, and moved from our HOME to an awful little brick house. i hate being here. it's like staying in a motel.
in january when i was visiting i awoke to our little basement with two inches of water on the floor and spent the better part of three hours soaked in my pajamas sweeping it out through doors into the freezing air.
it is one thing after another.
i'm feeling much to pessimistic to be allowed to continue this writing so i'll go to bed.


(lately when i look in your eyes, and look into myself i wonder if our hearts are in this anymore. how will we fix things?we are broken. we are apart, even when i'm in your arms)


i love my cat. she is fat and round and soft. she has a wet nose and coughs up too many hairballs.but she loves me no matter what.

also, claire and i went to see 1&2 of THE CREMASTER CYCLE

i wanted to see the others, but i suppose i shall not. 4&5 are only playing tonight, and it is my night as volunteer closer at the contra dance. but 3 is playing on saturday and perhaps i'll make it to that.